So here I go … again
The other day my relationship with the guy I’ve been seeing for about the past two months ended. I went through the stages of sad, angry, sad, angry, and now I’ve just accepted that perhaps it wasn’t meant to be. My biggest problem is that when I find someone I like, I decide that it doesn’t have to be perfect because I can accommodate it. I tried to be accommodating to him in every way possible. I didn’t fuss that he didn’t like to talk on the phone, didn’t complain about endless hours spent watching sports, and never said ‘no’ when he asked if I wanted to do something. I was crazy about him because he made me feel great, but I don’t really feel like I ever got to know him or that he got to know me. I guess I just got stuck in that phase of being infatuated with him and telling him how great or cute he was all the time. There was definitely a physical attraction for me … but beyond that, I guess it just wasn’t going anywhere further.
Maybe it was a bad idea to jump into something with someone else so quickly. I don’t like to compare people, but he was the complete opposite of Todd. I didn’t think about it often, but it crossed my mind once in a while. It didn’t bother me, but it made me uncomfortable sometimes. Because I was 100% comfortable saying anything, discussing anything, having debates, or just acting goofy around Todd. And to have to second-guess everything I said around Brian just made me not want to say anything at all sometimes. I wasn’t that concerned and figured things would evolve over time and begin to feel normal. Mostly it is me, I guess. I’m so out of synch with reality, the world around me, my friends …. everything is just messed up and it was messed up even the whole time I was seeing him. Being with someone for three years, and basically the entire time I’ve been in Pittsburgh has pretty much defined ‘my life’ for the past few years. Without Todd, I don’t really know what my life is or who I am anymore. We had a pattern … we talked every day, we spent weekends together, we had dinner together, we shopped together, 90% of the stuff I did that mattered was with him. We had common interests like computers, shopping, flea-markets, yard-sales, cats, eating out, and talking about everything imaginable. I was out with my friend the other day and just talking about everything made me realize that I actually miss the things that Todd and I did together more than I miss him. May sound crazy, but when you lose someone you are close to, you lose part of yourself … and for me that means that I just don’t know what to do with myself or my time … or what to talk about. Todd was who I was for 3 1/2 years. He was there with me through the good times and the bad times … and we would talk for hours about life and through him I learned a lot about myself. I had never known anyone who was so willing to talk about anything and not hold back at all. I never knew what ‘communication’ meant before I met him.
Maybe I was just trying to grasp onto someone else to fill that void, but that someone was not Todd, nor should he have been. But being so completely different in almost every single aspect kind of freaked me out. And I was scared. I feared that if things didn’t work out between us then I’d have nobody … and I don’t really remember what that is like. It seems I’ve always been attached to someone. But I held back so much … because I was scared to be myself, to communicate, to disagree with anything … but maybe if I would have been things would have turned out differently. Ughh, who knows. It was like I was too worried about where it had potential to go rather than where it actually was. But I wasn’t doing much to make it go anywhere, ha … I couldn’t even bring myself to refer to him as ‘my boyfriend’ when I spoke about him to other people. So now it will just change from ‘the guy i’m seeing’ to ‘the guy i was seeing’ … not that labels are important, but I guess saying ‘boyfriend’ would have suggested I felt that we were actually ‘in a relationship’ and I don’t think I really felt we were. Sometimes you just jump into it and give it everything you’ve got like you have nothing to lose … like I did with Todd. That seemed to work … but this time (four years older and getting less patient), I felt like I had everything to lose and I didn’t want to have my heart broken all over again. For some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to give it everything I had, or maybe I just don’t have what I used to have, maybe I’ll never fall in love again, or maybe I’ve just had it with men. Now I just have get out of the ‘he was the best guy you’ll ever meet, way to go Jess’ mindset.
I think it is time to just be alone for a while. Get more involved with things I used to do, hang out with my friends more, and make myself my number one priority instead of trying to ‘make things work’ by gluing myself to someone just because I’m afraid that I’ll end up alone forever. I need to get that out of my head and just get on with life. But that is hard when everyone else I know seems to be permanently attached to someone. And I am jealous of it because I want to fall madly in love and find the man of my dreams … but I guess I just can’t pick someone and decide he is going to be the one and that I will make it happen no matter what … oh and of course I will make that happen quickly since I’m tired of wasting my time (just kidding). But it is so hard to accept that I spent 3 1/2 years with someone and now there is nothing, it is over, done, gone. How many more times will this happen?
But acting the way I am now, I have to wonder – how many more times will I meet someone who is wonderful … that I’ll just drive away because I’m too focused on ‘the future’ rather than just getting to know him. I’m impatient I guess, and that impatience is just going to get more of where I am right now, nowhere. Sometimes I feel like it is never going to happen, that I’ll just continue to latch onto anyone who shows interest in me and try to make him be ‘the one’ … or more likely make ‘myself’ be the one for him … and just drive both of us crazy and continue to think that the only thing important in life is a guy, and it isn’t, I know. Of course I’m exaggerating a bit here. Obviously I haven’t gone on ummm … any dates in a long time. Brian was not the only person in the world I could have gone on a date with if I wanted to … but I didn’t even want to date anyone. It just happened … he just appeared, and it just seemed right. He wasn’t your ordinary guy, he was a needle in a haystack kind of guy … really truly, so I told myself to do what my heart was telling me. And I thought it was telling me that there was something special there … that it was right, that it was meant to happen. Of course my heart and intuition mislead me just as often as they steer me in the right direction. I guess every decision in life is a gamble … and you can’t go back, no matter how much you wish you could.
So I know I don’t make much sense. On one hand I have this crazy urge to ‘find the one’ yet I can’t bring myself to be the girl that can be truly committed to someone. Then again, I guess it depends on the person. Perhaps I’m better suited to someone who is more open and goofy … and isn’t afraid to say anything to me. Then I’ll feel like I can do it too without the fear that I’m going to freak them out and drive them away. Anyways, I’m done with this … I’m not very good at expressing myself past the extent of ‘I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m mad.’ Haha.
Maybe I should make some more single friends … and find a job with less pregnant married women my age. I can’t help it … I look around and feel so much pressure. What is wrong with being a 24 year old single gal these days?
And so you have finally come to the end … and you are still left with the question, ‘so what happened?’ I don’t really have a simple answer, other than what I wrote. That is my take on it. I’m broken … or at least highly dysfunctional.