I knew it ….

Yesterday I had posted that staying up all night and sleeping all day wasn’t good for my health. This morning I thought I was going to die. I hate feeling like this because I never know if my physical symptoms are normal or if I should run to the doctor. I tried to go to sleep around midnight last night, but found myself tossing and turning and feeling uncomfortable. I had a million things running through my mind … and surprisingly none of them were work related. I get the best of myself and I have nobody to blame but myself. Although I am not the most optimistic person in the world, I find myself daydreaming of grandiose things that I hope will come true, and when they don’t, I feel disappointed. And when I feel disappointed, I feel that my life sucks and I get into a bad mood for a few days. I daydream too much, I guess. In real life I try to be practical and just be like “ok whatever” but in my thoughts … I dream about the perfect life. And I’m certainly not living my dream, so I guess that is what makes me get this sudden wake-up call every once in a while and I get in a horrible mood for a few days.

So this morning I woke up and felt ok. I felt more tired than usual, considering I slept a lot all weekend, and I did get about 5 hours of sleep. I shouldn’t have felt that bad. I stood up to make coffee and while I was rinsing out the coffee pot this horrid feeling of dizziness came over me. And I got really cold, but it wasn’t a shivering kind of cold. It felt like someone had rubbed that icy-hot stuff all over me. I felt like a breathsaver or something. Then I got that hollow feeling in my ears, like you get when your ears ring, except mine weren’t ringing. I couldn’t even shut off the water, I thought I was going to pass out right there. I walked over to the couch and layed down and squeezed my eyes shut. I took a few deep breaths and stood back up and managed to get coffee started. I took a shower, had a cup of coffee, and made it to work. I still feel horrible though. I’m sick in my stomach, I’m dizzy, and I’m cold. The last time I felt like this was in November after drinking that horrible wine. I thought I was just hungover though … really bad. I decided I was never drinking wine again after that. I haven’t had any alcohol since Christmas so that isn’t it.

I’m not trying to complain, I just don’t know if it is anxiety and stress or if something is seriously wrong with me. But when I’m happy this doesn’t happen. I had a bad weekend though. I was in a bad mood over nothing really … but I couldn’t seem to shake it. I don’t think I’m depressed, but sometimes I wonder if I am a little bit. I get these stages where I just don’t want to do anything at all. When I’m happy it is like that seratonin stuff is just spurting out of my brain because I’m happy and bouncy and I have all this extra energy and I probably act rather annoying. I want to run around and do the happy dance and I talk a lot. Then comes the day where everything is shit … like I have no seratonin at all, or I used it all up being extra bouncy and happy and talkative. And then I’ll feel fine again for a long time and when I feel fine I don’t even think about not feeling fine because I don’t want that feeling to come back.

Maybe I’m just a freak. I know there are people out there that have it far worse, but I just want to feel like a normal functioning human being. I don’t want to feel like I have to curl up in a ball and tell myself that everything is ok for everything to be ok.

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