Why does time always have to be such an issue? I never have any of it and when I do, I have to allocate every hour I have into accomplishing goals that have no purpose other than to make me have good grades, but what does that get me? Sure, good grades give me a sense of accomplishment and happiness for about two minutes, but that pleasure is always interrupted by another thing hanging over my head that I have to run off and defeat. Sometimes I just want to give up, surrender to my comfy blankets and soft pillows, leave it all for a world of dreams about kittens and cowboys. Sometimes I just feel like crying, like it never ends, like I will never have time to enjoy life because I am always doing things that I do not want to do. Why do I do it then you ask? I do it to keep my sanity. If I blow something off then the anxiety kicks in, a fever of worries overcomes me, so I could never enjoy say, blowing off a night of studying for a fun-filled night of intoxication and dancing. It just cannot happen. There is no point to do something else that is supposed to be fun if I am contemplating the consequences of my actions the entire time. And there it is, my fatal flaw, the flaw that will keep me from ever being truly happy and carefree. Maybe I’m being punished for being a peasant whore in my previous life, not really sure. I sit around most of the time envying others, wishing I could just relate to them for about one second, wishing that my life was filled with more than it is. However, I know that no matter how hard I try to relax, be like the crowd, be more flexible and whateverish, its just not going to happen because it will ultimately cause me more misery than I already have. I guess I just have to stick to who I am and learn to find beauty in my ways. I know that my personality has many virtues, but those same virtues make me miserable, self-pitying, lonesome, and sad. So while my inner-self battles for freedom and happiness I am going to resign to studying for another test, surrender to another night of no sleep, another weekend of all work and no fun. And maybe, if I’m lucky, I will have a few minutes of guilt-free pleasure.