Sometimes I think that I live in a bubble within myself. I know I promised beach pictures and stuff, but I’m not in the uploading mood right now. Anyways, today was a huge celebration because one of the last unmarried girls at work got engaged today. She is my age I guess, bubbly, and always laughing. She is someone I thought I’d find annoying, but I avoid her just enough not to hate her or like her. So I heard all the hype this morning about it and she was showing everyone her ring. I was busy and didn’t want to join the circus ogling her ring, so of course she had to come over to me personally to show it to me. “Oh wow, congratulations … fake happiness for you.” Ok, go away now. If I had gotten engaged I would be doing the exact same thing, BUT I’m not getting engaged, having a baby, bungee jumping, buying a house, NOPE …. I’m doing nothing. Not that I am sad about it, but I just feel like everyone around me is like growing up or something.
My one co-worker who is a few years older than me eloped last month, got married, and now is putting bids on houses with her new husband. Everyone from my hometown had babies in the last few weeks … thats ok. No babies for me just yet. I just turned 24 last week, but I feel like I just left home for the first time like a month ago. I still cry when I have to leave my parents house and come back to my ugly apartment. I want a porch and flowers, a garden, oh and some windows would be nice. Instead, I have what I have and I’m still lucky.
I don’t know what my problem is. I know I get jealous of people who are getting married and starting new lives, but yet I still just want to be a kid sometimes. I feel stuck right now. I feel that I have no direction or real future sometimes and I truly wonder if it is just going to happen suddenly or if I’m going to be right here in the same exact place 20 years from now. I also really believe that I control my life and destiny and it drives me nuts when I have nothing to plan. I say I hate change but I need it for the sake of staying sane. I know I make no sense. Lately I’ve really been thinking about just finding a job in some other big city, packing it all up and disappearing. I’m independent and I’m sure I could do it. I’d miss my family, but I’d visit a lot.
Is 24 old? I mean, I could still be living at home with my parents, working at WalMart or something. I’m going to finish paying off my debt this year and then maybe I’ll buy a car and learn to drive for real. Then I could move out of the city or to Madagascar …. and meet my prince and live happily ever after. I’ve got a lot of stuff to do.
I know I’ve written a similar variation of this post last month and the month before, and the month before that. I just can’t get it out of my head. I feel like such a loser sometimes.
You’re not a loser. You’re a normal 24 year old finding her way in the world. I did the same thing… and then I met some guy and got engaged and ran around my office showing off my ring, spent a year fighting with my family and his family and him while planning a ridiculously huge party that was the result of blood, sweat and tears and was ultimately the culmination of all my life-long dreams of being a bride. And the funny thing was, it only lasted for about 6 hours… and then suddenly I was married, with a whole new name and what felt like a whole new identity and now I’m here…
Anyway, the point is, don’t rush it… Take your time, travel, go to Madagascar and find yourself… the prince will come along when he’s supposed to…